The Rules that Bind Us

A few of my libertarian friends vociferously protest the rules that I simply see as requirements for the smooth operation of polite society. Generally, the volume of their protests is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol they have consumed. In my opinion, these blowhards are just vocalizing their own issues with authority and authority figures by cloaking it in arguments about big government regulation.  But even these socially inhibited individuals agree that there are some unspoken rules that we inherently understand and abide by, without any overt instruction.

I mean, every guy I know scores a perfect score on the urinal game (beware, there is a trick question in there). I am pretty sure that neither my dad, nor any other authority figure in my life, provided instruction on the proper use of or behavior required to properly behave in a public men's room. 

The following public restroom rules are simply understood by 95% of all sober men:

1. No talking at the urinal
2. Even if you recognize the shoes poking from under the bathroom stall, you don't say hello to your friend sitting on the toilet
3. Regardless of the smell emanating from the stall next door, ALL comments are kept to yourself
4. Friendly conversation is only appropriate in the area preceding or immediately surrounding the sink
5. Greetings at the sink should be extended as if you had no idea the other person was in the restroom with you (see rules 1-4 above)

The other 5% of men are either CEO's / drunk / or were raised by wolves. Apparently power and/or alcohol erase the vulnerability issues experienced by the other 95% of men who must endure the Sr. VP discussing work / family / weather from inside a stall while flatulently pinching off a loaf.  Invariably, you are trapped at the sink, in a panic, waiting for a pause in the conversation or an opportunity to escape. At the same time you must mask your disgust or smother your giggles (see rules 2-5 above) - after all, some things will always be funny.

And before I get flamed by my female readers, I understand that the rules above are distinctly male rules. For us, going to the bathroom is NEVER a social occasion. Bathroom conversations are to be avoided, even when you are trying to make a "romantic" connection (see Larry Craig Police Report - silent hand gestures)  From what I hear, the ladies are much more concerned about the post toilet hand washing habits of those who share their restrooms than they are about the issues listed above.

But, I digress. There are other places where there are unspoken rules such as being quiet in airplanes, respecting personal space, and not speaking on elevators. I understand that some of these are distinctly American issues, however, elevator behavior is a lot like the urinal behavior described above.  If you are the only person on the elevator, when someone else boards, you both move to the farthest corners and unless you know one another, there is generally no speaking. When others board, everyone shifts in order to maximize their own space. Besides the space and talking similarities to urinal behavior, people also tend to not look directly at their fellow elevator occupants, but rather they may look at the reflection in the door, or try to catch a quick glimpse - seemingly while doing something else. Perhaps I am "painting with a broad brush" here and making sweeping generalities, but this has been my experience.

Recently, I was on the elevator at work with four other passengers. We had spread ourselves along the back of the elevator car, into the corners, leaving the middle of the car open. On our way down to the lobby, we stopped on the sixth floor and one more person stepped into our comfortable, equally shared space. However, when our new traveling companion stepped onto the elevator, he remained facing the back of the elevator - blatantly and defiantly staring at the folks spread along the back wall. He rode down to the lobby without turning around, unable to see the floor progression, not knowing if his destination had been reached. There was quite a bit of throat clearing and uncomfortable shifting for the duration. For me, thoughts of concealed weapons, knives, gunfire, and general anarchy flashed through my head as I studiously tried to avoid looking at the man standing in my personal space, unmoving, facing me, not blinking. 

And like some uncomfortable bathroom experiences, it was not until I was back in the fresh air and re-established my comfort zone that I was able to rationally think about my feelings. As the unexplained and unexpected tension eased, I got the giggles and realized that there is some humor in almost all harmlessly uncomfortable situations - particularly for people like me who believe that the unspoken rules are there for a reason. Without them, polite society would cease to exist in the men's room and we would end up all peeing on each others' shoes.