Colonoscopy: The Live Blog

Colonoscope

There are several rights of passage that we all experience as we move into middle age. For men, that often entails professionals wanting to stick things into your butt. At 48 I received my first professional prostate exam. And, after a valiant campaign of procrastination, at 51 I am officially scheduled to have a colonoscopy bright and early Monday morning.

Everyone who is acquainted with me or has read my blog knows that I have a particular penchant for talking about poop - as do my siblings. There is something odd about that, but delving into the reasons for this fascination are perhaps better suited for another blog post.  While it is easy to joke about things that happen in that area of the body, with my family history of colon cancer, this is not a procedure that I can ignore or put off.

Preparation for the procedure begins five days prior to the appointment. At that time you must avoid all nuts and sesame seeds and stop taking iron supplements. The next milestone is swearing off all solid foods at midnight, two nights before the procedure. After that, it's only clear broths, Jello, and Popsicle - but not the red or purple ones.

As I write this, I think longingly of the hefty portions of chicken simmered in a champagne cream sauce with fettuccine and vegetables, as well as the slab of chocolate pie that Chad placed in front of me last night. For that, I cannot thank him enough. It was a veritable feast in preparation of the fast to come.

Yummy broth, pills, and stuff I am supposed to drink

Prep Day:
Sunday 7:30 AM
Today's menu includes clear liquids as long as they are not red or purple.
Started the day with coffee and apple juice.
Off to Sunday teaching at the Kadampa Center.
I notice my allergies are particularly bothersome today, despite the Zyrtec I took last night before bed.

10:00 AM
After teaching I chatted with Scott about volunteering for the lawn care team at the center.
Stopped by Harris Teeter for some wet wipes - a necessary preventive care need.

10:30 - Noon
Coffee
Wrote and posted an entry about my recent oral surgery experience
Chatted with Dad on the phone - twice
More coffee - it's working
Sort of hungry.

Noon -14:00
Another cup of coffee
Really hungry
Take two Dulcalax (laxative pills)
Chase them with low sodium chicken broth - wonder how I track that in the sodium tracker?
I should have gotten some vegetable broth to balance out my lunch.

14:40
Broth just makes me hungrier. Starting to have a bit of a headache.
Must think of something else.
Is it my imagination or do I have to go to the bathroom?
Time for more chicken broth. This time I added a bit of curry I bought in Grenada for a little extra flavor.
Stomach is rumbling. Hunger? Or the beginning....
It just occurred to me that my last post was about my mouth. This post is about the other end of the alimentary canal - the "South Mouth."
Coincidentally, I am going to the same doctor who stretched out my esophagus a few years ago.
I was thinking that someone needs to write a song about this. After a quick Google search, it appears several already have. Here's one by "Butt Midler." One would think they would be better given the subject matter.

15:26
Did you know a single, one-cup serving of low sodium chicken broth contains 24% of your daily recommended sodium. I just passed 100% of my daily recommended allowance and I am still hungry.
Bathroom reading station has been prepared with two magazines, NOOK eReader, and wipes.

I think it will be necessary to break the "No television on Sunday rule." I need to be entertained.

15:54
It's really the anticipation - and the hunger.
I'm feeling really self-aware.

16:30
Anti-nausea pill

17:00
Drink the drink.
It tastes like salty cherry medicine. Pretty awful actually.
Now I know why I needed the anti-vomit pill.
The question is whether to chug it or sip it?
Regardless, once this is down, I will have one hour to drink another liter of water. Of course, it will take at least a liter of water to get this taste out of my mouth.

Wipes, Nook, magazines lined up

18:07
It's working.

18:17
Hmmmm - that was weirdly satisfying, but I am afraid to get too far from the toilet.
Wet wipes are awesomely wonderful.
Oddly I am not as hungry as I was.

17:05
Dinner Time - Beef broth, mmmm good!

17:27
One cup in, one cup out.

20:05
Blowing nose - bad idea. Enough said.
Beef broth is a lot better with a dash of Tabasco and another dash of Worcestershire sauce.

20:30
Repeat.

21:41
I am concerned that my intestinal flora and fauna will never recover. Surely nothing can survive a power washing such as this.
All commercials are about food. Current craving is BK Big Fish with extra tartar sauce.
Each time I change position, i.e. roll over, sit up, stand - the need to visit the toilet becomes urgent.

23:00
One last mug of beef broth before bed.
Perhaps the Tabasco was not such a great idea. It's a little tender down there.

23:45
Bedtime
You know you are clean when you poop clear water.
I am porn star clean.

Monday 17:13
Besides the procedure getting started a little late, all went well. The staff and doctor were quite nice. As I was going under, I heard the doctor turn up the music; I was being scoped to Led Zepplin's Ramble On. I found that amusing.

As usual, I woke up from anesthesia a little early, so I got to see the length of my colon as the scope was pulled out. I can personally vouch for the effectiveness of the cleaning routine. I said something to the effect of "That is one fine looking colon." The doctor agreed and reported there were no abnormalities or polyps.  After some world record setting flatulence, I was allowed to go home. First stop, breakfast at Big Ed's with Dad.

Joking aside, the preparation was not as bad as the horror stories I heard all last week. The procedure itself was painless. Afterwards, once you pass the gas they pump you up with, there was no residual pain. The best part? As a parting gift, I was presented with a beautiful picture of my sexy colon.

Picture from deep inside yours truly.

Due to the clean bill of health, it will be another 10 years before I have an opportunity to blog about this again. Who knows what can happen in that time?